April 28, 2009 COLOURED.

my heart has been healing well. i really think she killed it. i dun even wan to look at her profile anymore for any comments by that bastard. makes me wanna $#%&#%*%@$@

been keeping myself busy playing world of warcraft hardcore since the breakup. i just left my old guild and joined a new one. liked it there so far, the people are nice and all though there is some egos here and there but its expected when u are in one of the server's top horde guilds.

also been busy talking to someone recently. a long lost friend whom i didnt forget. she can just brighten up a person's day very easily. just by talking and listening to her makes me sleep at ease now. it helps that she has a pretty nice voice, should go n be a dj or wat.

im back.

im busy getting my body back.

i want to get back my body everyone is envious of.

i wan the aura back.

i dun wan to be this useless guy who cries over a girl anymore.

i wan to start bitching again.

and its coming very very soon...

8:06 PM

April 23, 2009 COLOURED.

the aftermath

i got the news of the breakup via sms. i was checking my phone right after i finish my ippt. and all i can say is i was sad. not only did i just pass the ippt only, now my gf wants to break up with me. she did mention before but this time its real.

as i slowly walk back to camp, i was trying hard to hold back my tears. i cannot cry in front of so many people. i cannot show them my weak side, i just look up and once in a while wipe my tears with my hands when no one is looking. i only cry loudly when i was bathing.

all along i never imagine how would i react if there is ever a breakup. i tot i was the emotionless type, i even told my friend once that if break then break lo, nothing will happen to me. but i was dead wrong. i was devastated and i couldnt take it, i duno why but i just love her to death and now she wans nothing to do with me. her reason for break? no trust in her and never bother to listen to what she says.

the rest of the days i was very sad, i cried everyday. i dreamt of her everyday. yes no joke, i really dream of her everyday. in my dream is all the happy memories when we were together you know all the happy moments. then when i wake up i saw no one beside me no msg no anything, the reality hurts.

i know she loves me alot too. i told her friend that we broke up, and ask her to help me take care of my ex, to make sure she is ok and coping well. i know she will cry too...

then in 5 days i will always on my facebook n msn, hoping to see her online trying to talk to her. i saw her on msn and under her nick she put 'YES I LOVE U'. i was so happy when i saw that. but what i saw next was something totally i never expect to happen on me at all. i double click on her name and then i saw the picture. the fateful picture.....

she was with another guy close together. the "YES I LOVE U" wasnt for me, it was for him. my heart sank even faster than the titanic at that point. i couldnt believe it, i tot she was heartbroken just like me and healing slowly. if after quite some time then she got a bf at least i still wun emo so much but within 5days she and that guy got together alr i simply cannot accept it. i know very well my ex wouldnt like someone so easily. she has so many boy friends yet until now i am only her 2nd serious bf.

i just went berserk, i sent her a not-so-nice message and obviously she didnt take it very well. how could she... how could she like someone else so fast. does our 2 yrs together even mean anything at all? or do u just take me as a friend only. it is so hurting to me i straight away off my pc and off the lights and went to bed. i cannot control my tears anymore. many thoughts came to my mind, why she can get over it so fast. she told me she didnt do anything behind my back when we were together. i trust her totally.

the only logical reason was my theory was correct all along. the letter i wrote. the god damn guy must be wooing her for veri long. but she just took it like a pinch of salt like nothing happened. my ex may say she was loyal, but subconsciously she may have fallen for him recently. if not she really wouldnt have been with him so fast. he was just waiting for the kill and go all out to win her.

i wun blame her, i only blame myself for not doing enough to let her slip away just like that. if i am that competent, all the guys can fight for her attention but she will still be by my side becos i am all she needs. just that apparently, i am not the one she needs anymore.

the whole period i was listless, i couldnt work properly. my mind was all abt sadness, rage, bitterness, disappointment. it didnt help that the christians are hovering around me like vultures, keep telling me to join them and share my troubles. its true, they are helpful and they really do care but i guess they just overdo it too much until i dun like them at all. as friends still ok but once they start talking abt christianity, i wasnt interested.

it didnt help that the day after i msg my ex, her friend dropped me a mail scolding me for deteriorating her relatioship with my ex. she is just like my ex, vulgar and like to speak without thinking through. but im numb to all this vulgarities and accusations long ago so i never get dragged into those childish kid talk. i wrote an apology letter indicating how i really felt and what was supposed to be. surprisingly she accepted my apology though she said she wun bother to help me anymore. she is a gd friend of hers of cos i wouldnt wan them to quarrel.

the day after i saw the picture and comment. i was thinking real hard.

why am i crying so hard for.
why am i doing all this.
why am i so sad
why am i drinking my sorrows
why am i crying in bed
why do i still wish she come back to me

when she alr has a bf and she doesnt seem to wan anything to do with me anymore. she say she still treat me as a friend, but the way i see it, she is ignoring me more n more.

of cos i have my side of story to tell and i have my grp of supporters. im sure she has her story to tell too and she has her grp of supporters. so i dun really wan to paint a picture of who's the bad one and who's the innocent party.

i have stopped crying, pictures of them together cant make me cry, them kissing cant make me cry either. they told me to refrain from having anything to do with her. but everyday i always have this urge to look at her profile and stuff.

i guess i am selfish, i dun like it when she has a bf cos i still dun have one. and i dun tink i will ever find one that easily. or maybe it wasnt becos she has a bf, but the fact that the bf is the fucking bastard i was suspicous of all the time. i hate him. really.

these few days im been taking the bus n mrt home the long way instead of taking other ppl's car. the journey always makes me feel lonely as i look back. i have not been my usual self. with or without her in the past. nowadays i really feel empty, i try to be happy but i cant. something is missing, i have lost a part of my life that was so impt to me for the past 2 yrs. how to grow something to replace that 2 yrs. everyone is concerned abt me. everyday i go work they all ask am i ok, be look so sad, look on the bright side bla bla bla...

im thankful for their concern, but words isnt enough to let me fully heal. guess im really taking it very badly. i miss her. i really do.

i wish u would come back to my side one day. i really cannot forget u no matter how i try


1:18 AM

April 21, 2009 COLOURED.

nobody remembers this blog anymore so i guess i can pretty much bare all here. i need a way to let me become my old self again instead of the broken soul that i am now. below is a letter i written to my gf. my ex now actually. everyone keep reminding me to say ex and not gf. i was supposed to fetch her on april 5th. it was our 2yrs 2 months anniversary. then in the early hours i got a msg from her telling me not to meet up. my heart sank, does she even know that day was our anniversary? i dun think she does.

the letter that never reached her

by the time u read this, it is our 2 yrs 2 months anniversary love love! happy anniversary i love you much much =D

why i decided to write a letter to u is i wish to explain what had happened though u may think otherwise. i had 100% trust in u throughout our relationship together. though initially i felt uneasy about u always going out at night with ur friends, maybe it was due to a lack of self confidence on my part. it wasn't about not trusting you at all. i just feel maybe ur friends may be better than me and you always seem much happier being with them. but in the end, i know in ur heart i am always #1 because i am ur baby~~~

last time i admit i did read ur message, i was wrong and i swear i never did it again after that issue. but yesterday i really only play sudoku and nothing else. so when u say me i was stunned. the only reason why i think u feel that way was ur applications only show messaging. after i finished ur sudoku i close all the applications liao. i think the messaging is because u bathe liao come back and read message so that's why got messaging still on. that is all i can explain why u feel i don't trust u. but i believe its all the small little things that add up that causes u to feel this way. that's all in the past.

we haven been talking much lately these days ever since i came back from sailing. we never talk on the phone at nights either you too tired alr or going out with philip they all. i know something is missing. the nights we slept together u have been sleeping alone at times when usually u would hug me to sleep. you have been asking me alot of weird qns regarding our relationship. i wish i can do more to strengthen our relationship cos i love u alot and u too love me alot but somehow i feel that its getting stagnant and i believe u feel that way too that's why u dun talk so much to me now.

recently u have been going out with 3 guys to malaysia I'm actually quite fine with that as long as u got tell me I'm ok with it. all ur thoughts abt me not trusting u is unfounded really. its just that sometimes i dun trust the guys. but it doesn't mean that i dun trust all ur friends. cos to me, guys are always chee hong, i never believe in platonic relationship where a girl n guy can be very close together and yet have no feelings towards each other unless its a gay or les. every time i stay at ur house whenever u on ur msn, philip will always str away msg u. to u it may be harmless, anyway its just a gd friend. to me i feel that will i talk to anyone who appears online str away? some maybe, but not all ba. i guess u too is also the same. u also wun talk to anyone str away who appears online all the time right.

frankly speaking, i think philip is interested in u. u may think that I'm paranoid but all his actions is very obvious, he has been asking u out every night and u may be tired from work but u still went out with them cos they are fun i supposed. to u they may be just friends and nothing else but i really feel that he is up to something. so i always felt uneasy these few days whenever u mention u are going with him. i dun dare breathe a word at my objection becos i know we will quarrel again. i wish u could reject him sometimes since afternoons u will always tell me u are very tired wanting to go home sleep but after a while u would msg me not to call u as u will be going out with them. so it doesn't make sense to me then since u are tired why would u still wan to go out with them. but i know to u its nothing, just friends going out for dinner.

i dun really like u always going out with them but i cannot breathe a word abt it becos u would say that i dun trust u at all. i dun wan u to feel that way cos i love u alot and i dun wish this relationship to end seriously. i have never doubted u, i only doubt the guys. becos i myself a guy know very well how a guy thinks. but nonetheless, u are always free to do what u like and i wun stop u becos i respect u.

why i write this letter is becos i know u have many things u wanted to tell me but u didn't and me too have many things to tell u but i didn't. I'm a better writer than a speaker so my feelings are clearer in writing. i hope to change the way things are right now cause i feel we have been keeping alot to ourselves and are not opening up and that is bad for a relationship. i know i promised u alot of things but i didnt deliver. u may not sound out but i know u are disappointed. i will make it up to u love love. we will go taiwan very soon. =D

what more can i ask for in a girl who is pretty, sexy, loyal, nice, filial, caring, loving to me.

these 2 yrs 2 months i have been very happy with u together though sometimes we may have lovers' tiff every now n then but i guess that is just part and parcel of a relationship. everyone also like that right. love u.

actually i duno how will u react when u read all the way until here. will u flare up? will we quarrel again? or worse will we break? i hope not, i hope we can lie in bed together and discuss about us so that u can cuddle up to me and baby have hug hug! i love hug hug!

tmr i will fetch u. i always do. =D love you lao po

7:59 PM


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